feelings

do you know what really bugs me, to the point of seeing red.
is when people over hear conversations and hear it wrong, then pass on the message, wrong and you get the bollocking over something you didn't do.

for fuck sake.
but the amazing thing is, that no matter how fucked off i am, all i need to do is phone or see the one person who makes me realise why i breathe, and i'm fine.
god i would kill to see him right now. but i just wish that things would pick up.
and sort themselves out for me.
i dont have the physical or emotional energy to do anything anymore.
to have to listen to everyone else's problems just gets me down, and drains the little energy i have left.
i cant eat, i cant sleep, i feel like i cant breathe and i'm constantly trapped in the box, pressing my 'self destruct' button over and over and over again, hoping that it will all end very very very soon.
but what else can i do?

dear god, save me from this hell on earth.

my letter frooom luke :)

About 10 months ago I lost what I thought was the greatest thing in my life. I thought I wasn’t good enough, I thought the guy she left me for was the better man. But I soon realised that he wasn’t, he just had more money than I did and Becky clearly only cared about money.2 months later I saw a girl laid on a sofa waiting for a paramedic to arrive to fix her back. I was shy back then so every time she looked at me, I liked away. Then when I looked back, she wasn’t looking at me anymore. Once the paramedics had arrived she sat up and gave me the most beautiful smile. The smile she gave me hit my heart like a bullet. It was so difficult to build up the courage to ask her out on a date. But she somehow mad it really easy for me. Have a guess who she was?

I love you Dani, and its now that iv realised that you are the best thing that has ever happened to me. You’ve shown me so much about myself and about who I am. You make me want to be a bigger man. I cant explain how sorry I am about the past, I know I don’t deserve you.I promise to give you whatever you need and to always be there for you. I want you forever, I don’t want to ever lose you. No man could ever take you from me, I’ll fight for you to the death if it means I get to be by your side. I love you more than is possible to put into a letter. I love you more than is possible to put into words. You are why I get myself out of bed in the morning, I cant live without you. You lift me up higher than anything in the world could ever lift me. And you treat me better than I ever thought was possible. You make me feel like a million dollars.I LOVE YOU,Love Lubey xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Love

i guess i need you.

isn't love one of those funny things, that causes you so much pain and yet you still go back for more.
the one person in the world who lightens my day and makes it worth my breathing, has caused me more pain than i care to remember.
but it isn't his fault. its always mine, as far as i remember.
i find it funny how someone can say that they're in love with someone, when they've not experienced the hurt of losing them yet.
Having to live without the one person who means so much to me, has taught me so much more than i felt was possible. All of my friends say that they didn't want to see or speak to me whilst i was in the state i was when i lost him.
so there is where my view has come from.

looking back on it, i feel like the word love has lost its meaning. fair play, we say it to our parents, because we do love them, because they brought us into this world, they have the same blood as us, and they share traits of ours, but how someone can say 'Love You' at the end of a phone call to a friend they have known for 2 weeks is beyond me. say i'm crazy, or trying to be older than i am, thats fine, but thats just my opinion.