the stupid thing

whats really crazy is that i know i should say sorry to my boyfriend's ex girlfriend, but a) i cant bring myself to do it
and
b) i dont actually know why.
i know its the right thing to do, but i cant bring myself to actually get in contact with her and say it.

i want her out of mine and his lives, but thats a bit more complicated than it may seem because his sister who is 18 is still really good friends with her, and they're always both their, chilling in the living room, so that now it has gotten to the point where i dont trust him in his own house and i dont want to be there either.
it has gotten to the point where i am so god damned fucking confused, because everyone says something different.
i dont ever want to be without him, but i might have to face up to the idea that that is a possibility with the way he's being atm.

FOR FUCK SAKE!

for god sake.

i am sick and tired of being the one who constantly makes the effort.
with everyone!
my whole life i've gone round running after everyone else, but i know that if i stop, then i wont see anyone thats my world.
for example, my beautiful and perfect boyfriend, wont come and see me, unless i ask him to/arrange to meet him.
and i am SICK of it.
can someone not WANT to see me?
so that they'll go out of their way to come to me?
for god sake. tell me how you feel.
show me what you mean.
tell me you love me.
show me that you do.

even when.

even when the sun has cowered behind the moon, i want you to know that i'm still here for you <3

every night when i lie in bed and think back on my day, the first thought that pops into my mind is him.
he is my soul reason for being, the one that makes me get out of bed in the morning, and yet i still don't understand how he can be how he is.
sometimes he seems so distant, so disgusted with where he is.
and no matter how hard i try, i still cant seem to help him.
i just wish he knew how much it hurts me when he's like that.
i wish he knew how much i was here.