The Thoughts of a Geek.

well, thats eventful

2010-02-18T02:28:00.000-08:00

yet again, am left with no where else to go.
no where to belong and no where to call mine.
i feel like a drifter and that's what makes it so wrong.
its starting to feel so wrong being somewhere that has the atmosphere of a house.
but what are you gunna do.

So, its alone time. all over again.
so where is it that i go from now.
feeling lost.
someone help.

JUST FIX IT!

2010 so faarr...

2010-01-03T16:06:00.000-08:00

so three days in to 2010 and apparenlty this year probably couldn't get much worse :L

so, stayed sober new years eve, much to my happiness, spent the new year with my Lubey so the VERY start of the new year, was sexy.
then two days into it i get rushed into hospital with HORRENDOUSLY STRONG stabbing pains right in the base of my stomach, they discharge me with some strong pain killers and then i get taken in the next day with the same thing.
HORRIBLE HORRIBLE YEAR!

the stupid thing

2009-12-03T07:35:00.000-08:00

whats really crazy is that i know i should say sorry to my boyfriend's ex girlfriend, but a) i cant bring myself to do it
and
b) i dont actually know why.
i know its the right thing to do, but i cant bring myself to actually get in contact with her and say it.

i want her out of mine and his lives, but thats a bit more complicated than it may seem because his sister who is 18 is still really good friends with her, and they're always both their, chilling in the living room, so that now it has gotten to the point where i dont trust him in his own house and i dont want to be there either.
it has gotten to the point where i am so god damned fucking confused, because everyone says something different.
i dont ever want to be without him, but i might have to face up to the idea that that is a possibility with the way he's being atm.

FOR FUCK SAKE!

for god sake.

2009-12-03T07:04:00.000-08:00

i am sick and tired of being the one who constantly makes the effort.
with everyone!
my whole life i've gone round running after everyone else, but i know that if i stop, then i wont see anyone thats my world.
for example, my beautiful and perfect boyfriend, wont come and see me, unless i ask him to/arrange to meet him.
and i am SICK of it.
can someone not WANT to see me?
so that they'll go out of their way to come to me?
for god sake. tell me how you feel.
show me what you mean.
tell me you love me.
show me that you do.

even when.

2009-12-01T10:37:00.000-08:00

even when the sun has cowered behind the moon, i want you to know that i'm still here for you <3

every night when i lie in bed and think back on my day, the first thought that pops into my mind is him.
he is my soul reason for being, the one that makes me get out of bed in the morning, and yet i still don't understand how he can be how he is.
sometimes he seems so distant, so disgusted with where he is.
and no matter how hard i try, i still cant seem to help him.
i just wish he knew how much it hurts me when he's like that.
i wish he knew how much i was here.

feelings

2009-11-23T16:11:00.001-08:00

do you know what really bugs me, to the point of seeing red.
is when people over hear conversations and hear it wrong, then pass on the message, wrong and you get the bollocking over something you didn't do.

for fuck sake.
but the amazing thing is, that no matter how fucked off i am, all i need to do is phone or see the one person who makes me realise why i breathe, and i'm fine.
god i would kill to see him right now. but i just wish that things would pick up.
and sort themselves out for me.
i dont have the physical or emotional energy to do anything anymore.
to have to listen to everyone else's problems just gets me down, and drains the little energy i have left.
i cant eat, i cant sleep, i feel like i cant breathe and i'm constantly trapped in the box, pressing my 'self destruct' button over and over and over again, hoping that it will all end very very very soon.
but what else can i do?

dear god, save me from this hell on earth.

my letter frooom luke :)

2009-11-22T14:41:00.000-08:00

About 10 months ago I lost what I thought was the greatest thing in my life. I thought I wasn’t good enough, I thought the guy she left me for was the better man. But I soon realised that he wasn’t, he just had more money than I did and Becky clearly only cared about money.2 months later I saw a girl laid on a sofa waiting for a paramedic to arrive to fix her back. I was shy back then so every time she looked at me, I liked away. Then when I looked back, she wasn’t looking at me anymore. Once the paramedics had arrived she sat up and gave me the most beautiful smile. The smile she gave me hit my heart like a bullet. It was so difficult to build up the courage to ask her out on a date. But she somehow mad it really easy for me. Have a guess who she was?

I love you Dani, and its now that iv realised that you are the best thing that has ever happened to me. You’ve shown me so much about myself and about who I am. You make me want to be a bigger man. I cant explain how sorry I am about the past, I know I don’t deserve you.I promise to give you whatever you need and to always be there for you. I want you forever, I don’t want to ever lose you. No man could ever take you from me, I’ll fight for you to the death if it means I get to be by your side. I love you more than is possible to put into a letter. I love you more than is possible to put into words. You are why I get myself out of bed in the morning, I cant live without you. You lift me up higher than anything in the world could ever lift me. And you treat me better than I ever thought was possible. You make me feel like a million dollars.I LOVE YOU,Love Lubey xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Love

2009-11-22T14:08:00.001-08:00

i guess i need you.

isn't love one of those funny things, that causes you so much pain and yet you still go back for more.
the one person in the world who lightens my day and makes it worth my breathing, has caused me more pain than i care to remember.
but it isn't his fault. its always mine, as far as i remember.
i find it funny how someone can say that they're in love with someone, when they've not experienced the hurt of losing them yet.
Having to live without the one person who means so much to me, has taught me so much more than i felt was possible. All of my friends say that they didn't want to see or speak to me whilst i was in the state i was when i lost him.
so there is where my view has come from.

looking back on it, i feel like the word love has lost its meaning. fair play, we say it to our parents, because we do love them, because they brought us into this world, they have the same blood as us, and they share traits of ours, but how someone can say 'Love You' at the end of a phone call to a friend they have known for 2 weeks is beyond me. say i'm crazy, or trying to be older than i am, thats fine, but thats just my opinion.